I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
