He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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