i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
