guys are only as good as the porn they watch
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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