are you so shy because you have an std?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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