Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
