tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Randomize
