he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Randomize
