why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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