brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
FUCK WHALES
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