I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
