spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
