He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
