You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
