and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
