If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
