On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
