I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
