Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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