birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
