Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
