How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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