I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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