my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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