totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
