So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
