Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
