I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Small penises have feelings too.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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