it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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