You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
