Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
