he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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