i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
