doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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