we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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