if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
