Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
