Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
