She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
