i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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