i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
