So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
