She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
