..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
