she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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