Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
