Your dad touched me again.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
