i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
