i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
