He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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