the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
