if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
