You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Found the puke drawer
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
