I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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