I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
