what if every blade of grass was a penis?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
