have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
