I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
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Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
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I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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